Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
