peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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