Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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