Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
