i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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