whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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