just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
