His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
