i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
