I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
