phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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