I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
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