Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
