she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
