bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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