I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
