I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
