You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
