Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
