the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
