You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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