I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
you didnt know i had herpes?
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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