I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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