I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
well you can't waste a boner
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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