just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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