I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Last time i carry you out of a forest
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
not ubering you a puppy
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
