I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Someone stole a lamp last night.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
