Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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