me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
