i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
