i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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