I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I'm passing your future prison.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
