why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
