I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
We left the knife in your bed.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
