Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
