Your dad touched me again.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Randomize
