I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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