For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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