Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
