We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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