9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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