I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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