we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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