Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
