hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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