Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
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