ya dads aren't the best wingmen
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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