Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
