I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
