and next time when you feel me up, do it right
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
