FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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