Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
