I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
