I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
