It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
