I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
