I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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